Last day of Advent

... which is a good thing as I had run out of ideas for C + H's advent calendars!  

The excitement is building.  The boys can't wait to see my parents and brother today.  I know that even Rupert is going to have a brilliant time.  Tom can't wait for my Mum's Christmas lunch tomorrow!  I'm looking forward to focusing on the special things in life, such are cherished time with family.  I am not a hugely warm, touchy-feely, tell-my-mum-all-my-thoughts kind of daughter but I really appreciate the time I spend with my parents.  I was thinking last night how 10 years ago, my relationship with them was so strained and I couldn't wait to pack my bags and leave home for university.  Since having children, we have become a lot closer again and it has made my life far richer.  I must remember that next time I get stressed about the little things, and I must remember to tell them how much they mean to me this Christmas.

Enjoy the festivities!

Happy Christmas

I haven't posted for a few weeks now, so I thought that I had better write something.  I also tried to make the blog look a little more wintery with a snowy background image (taken last year, I haven't seen any snow yet this year).

Things are plodding along with me.  I am appreciating Charlie and Hugo much more and have been impressed with the patience and love that they have shown Rupert when he was ill.  They have enjoyed becoming 4 and seem to have changed quite suddenly.  Hugo is becoming more confident in his self, he is more able to enjoy time creating his own ideas.  Charlie keeps asking if he is still 4.  No Charlie, you must be 6 by now, surely? - proud grin and a giggle.  His patience is outstanding, for Rupert pulling his hair and hitting him and for me when I get stressed.  Rupert is his dominant self still, and demands that I come back and entertain him if ever I dare go out of the room!

But life's plodding never slows down.  It keeps going 24 hours a day, but I need some rest.  Work is busy, writing papers, a PhD thesis (plus data collection and mathematical modelling), grant applications (to try and pay my wages from the end of next year), busy clinics and other bits and pieces that keep cropping up.  I guess I got used to working on just one or two things at a time, and now I forgot how to cope with lots of tasks!  Home is wonderful, but I don't quite seem to have enough hours in the day.  Or perhaps I mean not enough hours in the night; my eyes are bloodshot and my head is constantly spinning.

It's strange though, because it doesn't seem to stress me out.  Any other time, I would be worrying about getting more sleep, or stressing at every chore that needs doing.  But now, I just do it.  Somehow, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  I'm not sure why, that's going to take some thinking.

Apologies for the rushed post.  I should have a little more time next week.

Oh yeah, and have a Happy Christmas (and all other solstice related events, even if I am a little late!)

The School Boy

The School Boy - William Blake (1757-1827)

I love to rise in a summer morn
When the birds sing on every tree;
The distant huntsman winds his horn,
And the skylark sings with me.
O! what sweet company!

But to go to school on a summer morn,
O! it drives all joy away;
Under a cruel eye outworn,
The little ones spend the day
In sighing and dismay.

Ah! then at times I drooping sit,
And spend many an anxious hour,
Nor in my book can I take delight,
Nor sit in learning's bower,
Worn thro' with the dreary shower.

How can the bird that is born for joy
Sit in a cage and sing?
How can a child, when fears annoy,
But droop his tender wing,
And forget his youthful spring?

O! father and mother, if buds are nipped
And blossoms blown away,
And if the tender plants are stripped
Of their joy in the springing day,
By sorrow and care's dismay,

How shall the summer arise in joy,
Or the summer's fruits appear?
Or how shall we gather what griefs destroy,
Or bless the mellowing year,
When the blasts of winter appear?

How can the bird that is born for joy sit in a cage and sing?

284 days

It’s no secret that for the last 284 days I have been feeling quite low.   There have been ups and downs, but since the day R was born I have generally felt odd... as if I switched off during the traumatic part of his delivery and never fully switched on.

Today is the first time that my emotions have felt balanced.  Today I have been relaxed and HAPPY.  Truly happy, as if light was shining out of my eyes!  With an emotional burden lifted, I feel physically lighter. 

But why, I wonder?  Since C + H’s not-so-great birthday, I have tried to ensure they had a relaxed few days, and it has soothed us all.  Baby and I slept in for a couple of hours longer than usual today too, while Tom made breakfast for the boys.  I don’t quite believe that some chill out time and some extra sleep could have been the answer to 40 weeks of confused sadness, but perhaps it tipped the scales?  I wonder if I will flow backwards and forwards a little more until I truly regain my balance in life.   

Proverb

“Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand.”
- Chinese proverb

Birthday Card Boxes

When our twins celebrated one year since their Birth, they were most interested in all of the colourful cards they received.  Wanting to preserve these keepsakes, I securely taped them all to the inside of a large cardboard box, in which the little ones used to sit and chatter away to the drawings and characters.  Surprisingly, the box wasn't completely demolished...  Second Birthday cards were added to the outside the following year, and it still seems like a good thing to do with old birthday cards.

Their 1st Birthday card box, with 2nd birthday cards added to the outside

3rd Birthday card box

Rupert's Birth day card box

4th Birthday card box

We decorated a small box with a lid using their 4th Birthday cards.  The boys helped me with the cutting and taping, and it was a lovely activity this afternoon.  Rupert loved it too, and the box will be put to great use storing small toy vehicles.

Could have been better

C + H’s birthday could have been better for them – for various reasons they struggled to enjoy themselves, but there were some wonderful moments too.  Children are the experts at looking at the bright side of life so I am trying to follow their lead! 

Toddler group Birthday cake

In the morning, we went along to our regular toddler group session*.  Unable to miss the session this week, I asked the boys if they wanted to go elsewhere with Daddy while I went along , but understandably they preferred to stay together as a family even though they didn’t feel like going.  This week we made handprint Christmas cards, and I took along a birthday cake to share, yet C + H got upset over a few things and it didn’t feel like a positive start to the day.

Handprint Santa 

[* The boys don’t always enjoy the toddler group anymore, and often want to leave early.  I was very reluctant to commit to running the group last year, even though they still loved the sessions at that point.  Now that I have more jobs to do there, and they are growing older than the other children who attend, they don’t have much fun.  I try to involve them with the running of it, choosing the snacks, preparing the fruit and drinks, setting out toys and sweeping up... but honestly I wouldn’t take them every week if I didn’t feel as if I had to go.  I feel quite stuck in the role until we can get more people to join the committee.  I wouldn’t want to simply quit, as the village needs the toddler group.   The AGM is coming up so hopefully there can be some changes made...]

After lunch at home, they were thrilled to go to a soft play area with Daddy.  They had been asking to go for quite a few weeks, and it’s not usually somewhere we like to take them, but it cheered them up a great deal yesterday!  They arrived home happy, not long before some friends were due to arrive for a small party.

By request: 2 cakes with cream, strawberries and chocolate buttons

They were exhausted though, and by the end of the day they just couldn’t cope anymore.   Still, they had really wanted to spend some time with their friends so they were grateful for that, and also they received some very thoughtful gifts.   It was just all a bit much for them, and there were lots of tears before everyone left and they collapsed straight into bed.  I feel the need to evaluate the day at some point, and possibly change our approach to birthdays in future.   

Maybe they need a celebratory day each?

Decorating wooden tealight holders at the party

The whole week could have been better actually, but every cloud has a silver lining...

We had quite a few things breaking: the toaster, the kettle, the desk lamp and the dishwasher.  Tom’s Mum is kindly going to replace our kettle as a Christmas gift for the family, which will help us out a lot.

We had a power cut for about 10 hours, but luckily we had plenty of candles and we don’t use electricity for heating the house, so it had little impact this time.

R today, feeling a little better

Rupert has been suffering greatly with Roseola infantum.  3-4 days with a fever, with his temp between 39.5 and 40 degrees.  He couldn’t eat, and could barely sit up.  Lots and lots of nursing, drifting in and out of sleep.  Not much sleep for Mummy of course!  Then, the fever cooled off and he came out in a rash from his head down to his tummy, and was really upset (screaming a lot, and couldn’t sleep at all).  I even decided to give him some paracetomol, which was his first dose ever.  Thankfully the rash is fading, and he felt like eating some soup tonight.  I also discovered a second tooth just peeping through today!  It’s a huge relief to know that tomorrow I won’t have such a poorly baby.  Seeing my children unwell is one of the hardest aspects of parenting for me – I find it hard to function as I get really worried.  I feel utter joy knowing this virus has passed! 

So that’s the beauty of life.  Light and dark.  Positive and negative.  A wise university lecturer told me “Don’t negate the negative”.  

Speaking of light and dark, I am really looking forward to celebrating the winter solstice next week, before spending the Christmas weekend with our extended family.  

As always, I am wishing for peace in our homes, and peace in the world.

Hip Hip Hooray - We are 4 Today

Happy Birthday to my twin sons...
My bright shining suns who bring light, life and warmth to my world.

Sunday Walk

Our Sunday woodland walk is a lovely ritual we follow.  When Rupert was first born, Tom started to take the older boys by himself, but now R enjoys the woods as much as anybody so we often all go together again.  This week we went to a forest park, and had a fantastic time.

In the morning, we took part in a little woodwork workshop, and the boys each made a kazoo.

The miniature steam train was of course a huge hit.

The boys (and Daddy) found the playground really thrilling.

  After lunch we all went on a long walk in the woods, returning to the car as the sun was setting.  Lots of singing required to make it that far!

There was a little Christmas market full of local produce at the visitor centre, and I bought some goats milk soap, and gorgeous orange fingerless gloves, which were such a bargain I couldn't resist, especially since I had been meaning to ask my mother-in-law to knit something similar, as leg warmers for Rupert.  They fit him perfectly!

Happy Day

Charlie said to me this morning "Today is a HAPPY DAY"

...Which was more a reflection on how tired and grumpy I have been earlier this week, rather than the brilliance of today!  Still, the comment hit home and I affirmed that YES today is a happy day, and committed myself to fulfilling that promise.  No grumpy mama here.   I think I have been a bit short-fused and controlling... so do you know what the boys chose to do?  We stayed at home, they shed their clothes (is it just my little ones who prefer to be naked?!), we made chocolate peanut butter spread (why on earth have I never done this before!), re-potted and decorated the festive Christmas tree, did some baking, ate far too many berries, watched a DVD and C+ H had 2 baths.  They enjoyed taking the lead today and we all feel much better for it.

The boys were so pleased to decorate the tree, after making many of the decorations themselves over the last few weeks

Banana, blueberry, linseed and cocoa muffins

I have just been so tired this week.  We had a long weekend at my parents, which is generally lovely, but it always takes a while for the boys to recover from the intensity of the trip.  Baby R didn't sleep well for a few nights, and it’s a shock to the system when I have a sudden change in my sleep patterns.  The twins woke around 12 times a night each until they were about 2 years old, yet somehow that was almost OK as my body had gradually adjusted.  Also, H has seemed a bit out of sorts since returning from our weekend trip, and has been agitated and a little destructive.  The boys have found it hard to find common ground, being in such different moods, and struggled to play and enjoy each other’s company.  The car has been in the garage (the bill came to over £700! L) so we had quite a bit of time indoors, missing some of our usual activities, and perhaps I was also worried about the cost etc.  Basically, the week just fell flat.  

I managed to help H feel a little better today.  R slept OK last night.  My ears were overjoyed to hear the sound of two little boys laughing and playing together this evening.  I feel so much better.